I USE TO BE FAT: episode one: (g)

I watched this first episode of I USE TO BE FAT.

And I can totally identify with Gabriella, and totally see what she says... and it hard to hear all her problems, because it is the same things I go through during working out. And I say the same thing every year, "This is my year!" and then I gain weight more. It's amazing how weight rules the world. Fat rules your life, controls moving forward and being a better you.

A little pause in the road. But that's okay.

With my ridiculous work schedule this week, I was unable to work out for three days. REALLY bummed out.

But today is THURSDAY and I get to work out tonight.

I feel good you guys.

Like better than I have in a while. I don't feel the stress that I have for the last two years.

Not trying to jinx myself at all. LOL. And... I am better at just surrounding myself with positive people. And sadly that is not always my family. I get on GREAT with my daddy and step mom. My brother David and I are really close. And even though I don't talk to my sister Danna a lot, RL is crazy, LOL... I am still very close to her.

I need positive people.

Matthew's mother Linda is always supportive. And there.

She is working out with me, motiving me by going with me. She doesn't have to ask me every night, but she does, and it is that push that keeps me going.

I have a goal in life. HEALTHY living, long lasting.

NEW WARDROBE! LOL!

It CAN happen.

I feel GOOD! I feel energized.

Life has been a roller-coaster through HELL this year.

But small miracles bringing things back around.

Even though I am no longer engaged to Matthew, I am still close to his mother. And she is always encouraging my battle through weight loss. Never coming down on me through my lazy periods, my giving up and not being able to see it through.

Last night we started working out together. And we will again tonight. And I think that as long as I have FULL support I can get through this. I've always since this huge weight gain, seen it as impossible to go forward. That I would be fat forever.

But I don't see that outlook anymore.

People tease me about my love of Adam Lambert, but it is with his music and Linda's support and my mother always standing behind me, that I see this mission for a healthier life style come BACK to the forefront.

Not to be deterred.

SHOCK ROCK ME!

This man... owns me.

Dis'heartened.

I realize that we all as humans are fallible. And we are far from having any kind of perfections.

But I also think... that when someone is going through something.

Me losing weight. Trying. Struggling. You need all the support you can get. It is a lifestyle change.

That when they need your support. Like for example, when a little sister needs her big brother... I just didn't think that I was being naive or silly in thinking that that is something you never grow out of. You never stop being a big brother.

It feels like losing apart of your childhood to really, I guess to have your vision of someone, a pedestal that a big brother doesn't need to come down from, for them to come crashing down.

I was told by my dad always that, when he was gone, that it would be up to me and my siblings to hold together what he built in us.

And one day he will be gone, hopefully I have him for a while more.

But... I feel alone in not having my brothers. My two brothers in Florida... I love them. And I know if I need them... they would be there for me. They have never lost their way, the way my mom taught them, that that I am their baby sister and we are suppose to support each other.

And my big brother that is closest to my age... well... he is just a freer spirit.

But my brother. The trainer. I honestly think he doesn't love me as much... as I use to think I loved him.

I just thought he was a great big brother. But now I know better.

And that was what I meant by a part of your childhood being gone.

You lose that faith you have in someone. Those blinders you have up to hide imperfections... it goes away.

It's very sad.

*covers face*

So I am very ashamed that the powerful force with which I started my diet and exercise program has dwindled into nothing in this week of vast overtime.

Nothing could be worse.

And like my sister says, not to think of it as a new DAY and start tomorrow, but to just pick up from where you left off. Drive hard and fast. Not let myself down.

I need some encouragement from Adam.

The love and affection that Adam and Kris show, just make everything else worth it.

Week ONE!!!!!!

Okay. So I have started my diet exercise program. And On Monday, that will be a full week of walking, lifting, and eating super healthy.