Dis'heartened.

I realize that we all as humans are fallible. And we are far from having any kind of perfections.

But I also think... that when someone is going through something.

Me losing weight. Trying. Struggling. You need all the support you can get. It is a lifestyle change.

That when they need your support. Like for example, when a little sister needs her big brother... I just didn't think that I was being naive or silly in thinking that that is something you never grow out of. You never stop being a big brother.

It feels like losing apart of your childhood to really, I guess to have your vision of someone, a pedestal that a big brother doesn't need to come down from, for them to come crashing down.

I was told by my dad always that, when he was gone, that it would be up to me and my siblings to hold together what he built in us.

And one day he will be gone, hopefully I have him for a while more.

But... I feel alone in not having my brothers. My two brothers in Florida... I love them. And I know if I need them... they would be there for me. They have never lost their way, the way my mom taught them, that that I am their baby sister and we are suppose to support each other.

And my big brother that is closest to my age... well... he is just a freer spirit.

But my brother. The trainer. I honestly think he doesn't love me as much... as I use to think I loved him.

I just thought he was a great big brother. But now I know better.

And that was what I meant by a part of your childhood being gone.

You lose that faith you have in someone. Those blinders you have up to hide imperfections... it goes away.

It's very sad.